Monday, August 22, 2011
Working It All Out...
And moving on – or up ... I hope.
And so I sit down yet again at my computer with a whole bunch of crap weighing me down and wondering to myself how I am going to express it all. If you stopped by yesterday to check out our rather long rant on Coffee With Source I imagine that you already have an idea of where this might be headed. If not the option to listen is still there – I am not about to take it down anytime soon because I believe to do so would be to dishonour the very lesson we have been working so hard at learning over the last couple weeks. I want to sit here and write to you about how important it is to be true to yourself and to embrace and own your emotions but I have to again be completely honest with you and with myself and tell you that right now I just don’t have it in me.
It’s been a long, miraculous journey – it really has and I will be the first to admit I have so much to be grateful for yet somewhere in here, in the core of who I am there is an underlying impatience with regards to getting on with living the life I want to live and lately it is jading my work and affecting my own level of joy. I always had a dream – a powerful , potent dream to be an inspiration through my work for others, to bring a sense of peace and wonder into their lives through my work as an author. Sadly, for as much as I have succeeded on many levels in doing so the cost to myself has been remarkably high.
I wish I could sit here and tell you it is not about how many books I sell or how much money I make doing what I do but that too would be a lie. And I get that you may not feel that my success or failure as an author is in any way your responsibility because I would be the first to tell you that you are in fact not responsible for anybody else’s happiness but your own. At the moment however I do find myself at a crossroads – and I am trying to figure out which way I should go. You see my pen has always been my outlet, my release, my way to express whatever I happen to be going through at any given moment and it has come to me of late that I have yet again begun to lose the love I once had for that old, comforting friend, the pen. Many of you have read my work and been inspired by it – many have read my work and been uplifted and I have all kinds of love in my heart for the many letters, emails and messages regarding those moments of ‘WOO HOO!!!’. Unfortunately I do not feel the ‘WOO HOO’ right now, in fact it is much more like a BOO HOO and I have to take some time to figure out why.
We spoke at great length yesterday about acknowledging anger and resentment to allow for an opening up and release of that anger; we spoke of the dangers of bottling that anger up and the fact that as it stands, for the most part society would have us believe that to feel anger is in some way wrong. We called Shenanigans on that and urged you to be true to your you , because not paying attention to your emotions is a one way ticket to illness and ultimately death. As to why society views anger as wrong, perhaps it is because they feel that anger leads to hate but it is in my own experience that it is fear above all else that leads to hate and that anger is simply an honest human reaction to a shitty situation. And here we get down to the heart of the matter. With regards to my work, with three books published and still not enough money to pay my bills or feed myself it is time for me to rethink my writing. You see if fear breeds hate then I am in real danger right now of hating my pen – the extension of my me that has been for three years my comfort and my saving grace because right now I am slowing slipping back into a state of fear about whether or not I will succeed at doing the very thing I am so passionate about doing. I don’t want to hate my pen, I need my pen and so it is for that reason that for a little while my pen and I are going to take some much needed alone time.
For those of you who have found inspiration through my work I offer a few answers to your question of where will I go from here. First of all, I do find much joy in our on line radio show Every Day Connection, and for that reason will continue to be a part of that show and to set aside time each week to bring to you not just the show but the blog we call reflections. As it is in my heart that the show itself is still expanding and growing I feel there is still much there for me to learn from. I would encourage those of you who have come to me with questions in the past to check out the show, and to find the time to join us and call in with your questions. We have had some remarkable guests in the past and their combined wisdoms and willingness to share their own experiences has been an extremely uplifting experience.
For those of you who have approached me in the past with questions about the trials and tribulations that life presents, and for those of you who have utilized this blog-site in the past as a tool for personal growth I encourage you to continue to do so but I caution you that content on this site for the next little while will be sporadic at best. I need to get some taking care of me time in and I was reminded today by a dear friend who has read all three of my books that all the answers to the questions you guys have been asking me via our many means of communication for the past three years are actually already written down for you and available to you at any time. My Ning network will also be closed very soon and I will be spending much less time on line so if you are feeling the need to get in touch with me please feel free to contact me directly, but be patient as I am not sure I will be answering messages in a timely manner.
Our world is changing at a rapid rate, and as it shifts so too must we learn to adapt to it and be true to the warning signs in our hearts like anger and resentment, warning signs that tell us for the moment here is not where you need to be. Yes I am a writer and I have over the last three years offered you the best of me that I had to give, but I forgot along the way to offer that same best of me to myself and it is time I took a long hard look at why.
As usual I love you all and I will no doubt see you around... until then – stay true to you and live happy. I will no doubt be back but for now I have some things to work through and some new potential’s to explore. Who knows, maybe when it is all said and done, I will have some amazing new insights and stories to share with you when I have finished working it all out.
Love, Light and laughter
Niki Norlock, author of Truth - My synchromystic Journey